Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Just some thoughts

I had a really lousy day on Monday. It was one of those days where no matter what you do, it doesn't go right. Even though some of it was completely out of my control, I took ownership of it, which was probably my first mistake. During the craziness of the morning when equipment was failing and staff made a big boo-boo (not to the detriment of the patient, I promise) I realized I had not taken my pills over the weekend. You see, some of you may not know this, but oh well. I have been on meds for depression since the fall of 2000, when the hospital closed and all sorts of other things were going on. I was angry at first. I thought that maybe I wasn't as close to God as I should be or that I was failing somewhere and that was why I had to take these things. I too, tried to tell myself, "maybe for only a season", this too shall pass. Well, here it is nearly 9 years later and I am still on them. They have gotten me through some pretty rough times. I tried to wean myself a couple of times, that didn't work so well. So, back to this week, I had taken my pills Monday morning, but missing those two over the weekend, had dropped me enough to definitely impact my response to the things that were happening around me. I then became angry! I was angry that I really do need them. I was angry that I felt so depressed, then I got more depressed because I realized I needed them. Oh such a vicious cycle. I have prayed my way out of this the last few days and God is good, He is raising me back up. I just wish I wouldn't forget, because then I get frustrated and then angry and then depressed and it is hard to climb out. But, here I am! I am on my way up and out of the darkness. Can't imagine if I have to go through something really terrible how I would manage. Oh well, can't worry about that, it might make me mad, then you know what happens! *smile*

Peanut is at her DRESS REHEARSAL for her school play entitled "grease". Yep, that same one that I would sing over and over and over again while I was growing up! They adapted it for school, I think that means that maybe there is a little less suggestiveness, we'll see. My neighbor is loaning me her recorder so I can record it. Should be fun. Look for pics soon.

P.S. I only shared these thoughts because I needed to get them off my chest, not so that ANY of you will feel BADLY for me. SO DON'T! *wink*
love ya


Mommy Lion said...

Thinking of you! Can't wait to see "grease" pics!

Cheryl said...

Her play sounds like it will be a good one. Looking forward to seeing pics.

God is GOOD in good times and bad times. Keep smiling.

Michelle said...

Glad that you are beginning to feel better. Chels looks like she was great in the play. I have to ask: Where you friends with Brandee Kimes in high school? I remember the first time I met you at your house for Bunko and I thought you looked so familiar. I think it is because we hung out in high school with Brandee. Such a small world.