Friday, January 3, 2014

I haven't been on here for quite some time.

That is OK.

I needed time to find myself.

I recall that I posted 2013 was the year I find JOY!

I also recall saying to one of my Doctor colleagues, "this is my year"!!

So, did I find JOY in 2013, was it "my year"?

Good questions, let's see if I can explain those answers.

I began mid year seeing a counselor. That has been the biggest and best gift I can and have given to myself.  There is so much inside my head, that at times I think I will explode.  I was so numb for so long, I bottled up my feelings, my thoughts, my self, for so long that I didn't know what feelings were any more.  I remember one of the first few times with her that she brought out this "feeling" sheet.  5 columns of "feelings", could there really be that many?  I had only felt one, numb! Now there were 5 columns in front of me and one column of anger.

"look at the words there on the page..... go ahead Brandi, look at them."  

She would encourage me to seek the words for which I had pushed aside......

"How about this one?", I pointed. 

 She peered over the paper, "you can't start with the anger column, that column is off limits for now".....

Wow!  Overwhelmed, I sat and stared blankly at the page for what seemed like an eternity.  I looked up at her and said, "I don't like this sheet".

"why?" "what makes you not like it?" she chides

"I don't want these feelings, I like being numb."

"Do you? How is that working for ya?"

I can look back over those first few months of counseling where she would try to get me to pull out that sheet, look it over and find a word (s) for what was running through my head.  After many visits with her and the tears streaming down my face, I would say again, "I don't like 'to feel' any more"..... and she would gently remind me, ever so kindly, "an how has that been working for ya?"

I am not finished with counseling, nor do I think I will be any time soon, but, I know that she has laid a solid foundation with me.  She always, always brings me to Jesus, what would he like me to do?, and always lets me make my decisions.  She constantly reminds me that she is only there to help me along and not make any decisions for me, but I am receiving the tools I need to take care of myself.  Self care is a huge "catch phrase" that she uses, but she reminds me that Jesus took care of Himself, He had feelings and He was sinless.  So, I have a long ways to go with that. But, I am a work in progress.

being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Phil 1:6

The other thing I was working on was my devotional time.  I have continued to read and be awed by Ann ( )Voskamp.  She is a gifted writer, speaker, blogger, Bible teacher.  She inspires me in new ways every day.  I did a few online Bible Studies with ( Curtis Higgs, who is the other author, speaker, Bible teacher that I sit in awe of.  These ladies are so imbibed with the WORD of God that you can NOT help but be transformed by their writings.  Such a blessing. I did the entire JOY DARE that Ann writes about on her blog, every day for 365 days find 3 things that bring joy, she gives hints for each day. Some days I would get behind, but I would catch up.  That was a gift in itself. Especially through the counseling process.  The other writer, speaker, author, friend that I follow is Rivera Douthit (  She has become a friend to me, even though she lives in S. Carolina!  Amazing how God works.

Now, it is 2014.  What will my word of the year be?  I am not quite sure.  I'm looking at assurance, because I will need assurance, daily as I send my baby girl off to college.  I am not ready for the "empty nest", I am not ready for the lonely house.  I am not ready for the "find yourself, because you won't have your girls anymore to keep you busy" way of life.  I am struggling with that! A lot!  My hope is in the Lord, creator of Heaven and Earth to fill me with assurance that I am where He wants me to be, doing what He wants me to do and being who He wants me to be. 

So, that is where I am.  Praying diligently for my little girl as she prepares to jump head first into the real world, praying for my older one as she and her husband find their selves in a tiny town in Washington. 
Also, praying for myself, that I can do all that I have set out here to do.

May you be blessed this 2014.  Find yourself, your purpose, your gift, knowing you are loved by the One who created the Heaven and the Earth.